It’s just over 4 years ago since I got those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test I did in my bathroom one night just to ‘rule anything out’. From that moment my mindset changed as I realised I was about to be a mother but I could have never predicted where I’d be today, although I’d be lying if I said I was 100% sure that Kimaarah’s dad was going to stick by us. I told myself from very early on in my pregnancy that no matter what happens I will be the best mother I can. I think when every woman gets their that positive pregnancy test their mindset changes straight away. It’s such a funny feeling and doesn’t always feel completely good, especially when you have others trying to influence your thoughts and your decisions which is going to lead you on to being a mother, at such an emotional time (I’m sure most people will agree).

I don’t want to talk too much about my early pregnancy as I haven’t started this blog to call anyone out on their actions. But what I will say is this: I’m so glad that I didn’t let the minority get in the way of myself being a successful mother, with or without my child’s father being there all the time I have risen above any negativity, I have changed my mindset and turned things around for myself so the things that used to keep me awake at 2am no longer have any bearing on my life.

So much happened in the time that led me to be a single mother as I gave chance after chance and always kept the hope that things would work out for my ‘family’ I’m using this term very loosely as to be honest it was anything but a family. Isn’t it funny, I’ve come so far that I’ve erased so many of the bad memories from my mind, this is another reason I don’t talk about things because I don’t allow myself to remember. I don’t allow myself to be consumed by the hurt I have been through. I no longer allow myself to go over and over the bad events and instead I look forward to the future and set goals, and plan events for myself and my babydoll to look forward to.

Of course I still remember key events. I remember being at work one day and thinking about my Grandad, as I do a lot. I thought to myself if my Grandad can see me being treated like this he’ll be turning in his grave!!? My beloved grandad who passed away weeks before I was due to give birth to my daughter, the first grandchild and first great grandchild in the family. I can’t lie it ripped me apart and still does, all I wanted was to have a child and make my Grandad proud. I think that was one of the things that made me change my mindset and actually realise there’s no more point in trying. Maybe I can be happy on my own, it’s got to be better than my how things are now. And a piece of advice my dad has always given me, if the bad outweighs the good it’s time to start thinking about things & making a change, this was something that encouraged me to make the change in my life for real. If you are a mother raising your child alone or even a mother in a bad relationship, always remember, there are so many people out there who love you and want you to be happy. Your mother never brought you into the world to be treated wrong by a boy who doesn’t know how to be a real man.

As time’s passed I’ve realised something so important, you have to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, you have to forgive yourself for loving the wrong person and for allowing them to hurt you. When you really love someone your mindset isn’t always in the right place because your heart is telling you something different from your head. But as you come out of that situation you are able to think more clearly. It’s easy to sit there and think ‘why was I not good enough?’ and I did this so much at the start of my single parenting journey. But now I’ve turned it around and I say ‘I am good enough, and for people who think I’m not, I don’t want to be good enough for them, I’m good enough for me, I’m good enough for my daughter and that’s all that matters.’ If you’re struggling you need to say this over and over until you start to believe it, it works!

As the years have gone by raising my daughter alone I’ve realised I am a good mother after all, I’m successful, and the way she is today is all thanks to myself. Before I would think ‘I never get any thanks from anyone for what I’ve done’ , now I praise myself because I’ve realised no matter what I say / do I’ll be holding my breath to get a ‘thank you’ from some people. That used to bother me but it doesn’t now, now I know I don’t need the appreciation of others, I don’t need anyone’s approval. I am me, take it or leave it.

Having a positive mindset took time for me, it doesn’t happen overnight. Another thing I always do is celebrate the small wins, silly things like I got all my housework done, or Kimaarah got to ballet on time, she had a good day at nursery etc. Sometimes I think we set ourselves such high targets and goals and get disappointed when we don’t reach them right away. I can be such a perfectionist and this is when it has its downside, I’ve learnt to congratulate myself for every success big or small. I think this is so important as when you’re a single parent you don’t have that other person cheering you on, encouraging you, you have to do that for yourself. As I’ve spoken about a bit before, we live so much of our lives through social media nowadays that it’s easy to be consumed in the apparent ‘perfection’ of other people’s lives, thinking they have the perfect family, always look amazing, their kids are perfectly behaved. But remember everyone’s losing their shit, people just show it differently! You can never ever be sure about someone’s life just by looking at the little squares on Instagram!

To put it simply:

Having a negative mindset = a negative lifestyle & behaviours, feeling drained, angry, worthless. Mental health issues being out of control. Taking out your problems on the world. Allowing your anger to influence your decisions and therefore not being able to always think logically or make the best decisions for you & your child.

Having a positive mindset = success in all aspects of life, parenting, career, social life, calmness, inner peace, confidence, learning from past mistakes and not beating yourself up over it! Being able to manage your mental health even if it’s not 100% because you’re not expected to feel happy every moment of every day!

I’ve found my peace through not focusing on other people’s thoughts & actions and instead focusing on my own thoughts & actions and how I’m going to progress moving forward as a single mother. Knowing what I want to achieve in life and working out how! I’m still working this out because Rome weren’t built in a day! I’m happy to admit I still don’t know where life will take me and I don’t have all my shit together. I still don’t have everything I want but right now I know I have everything I need! Just know, you can feel like this too!

As the new year draws close I can really feel positive about 2019! I know what I want to do this year but I’m not setting myself strict deadlines! I’m not going to be too hard on myself! How are you feeling about 2019? What would you like to achieve?

I would also love to hear what you thought of this post, so please feel free to leave a comment!

Xxx

 

2 Comments on The Mindset of a Single Mother

  1. This is a great post, and so true! I left my son’s father when my son Max was just 2 years old. (He is 20 now!!) I thought I would not survive, I had been so badly abused for so long that I felt worthless. It took me a long time (and a lot of therapy!) to get to that place that you seem to have managed to get yourself to in a relatively short space of time! I am really happy for you and your daughter. It is so much better to be ‘alone’ than in a negative relationship. You never really feel alone when you have a child, their unconditional love is with more than any man can give you! X

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